heroin needles in a box

My Journey with Heroin and How I Detoxed From Opioids EVentually.

I say opiates, or opioids because they really should just use one word these days. There are so many different opioids/opiates across the board now they just flip-flop through one another.

Opiates are supposed to mean the natural versions, like opium, morphine, or codeine. It means it comes directly from the poppy plant, and it is all natural.

Opioids are the synthetic, or semi-synthetic ones, made in a lab, like heroin, oxycodone, hydrocodone, etc. Though, one could argue heroin being all natural or not (there are people who create all natural heroin, or is it?).

Then you have ones like Tramadol, which aren’t even an opioid and when they were created in the ’90s were supposed to be prescribed as a non-dependent non-opioid option to their competing super-addictive opioid counterparts. Now, Tramadol is classified as an opioid just because of what it does to the brain (similar to opioids with dependency).

Funny, they created heroin to get people off morphine, as a less addictive opioid. HA! Thanks Bayer.

So, regardless of what you are addicted to, if it activates the opioid receptors, (mu, delta and kappa receptors) in your brain and gut, then this post is for you.

I had tried so many ways to get clean before, but I guess not as many as others. I was forced into programs by the courts, and forced to go to group outpatient classes. I completed every program that I was in, and always got through the probation. I wasn’t ready to get clean at that point so it went in one ear and out the other.

I did meth IV, for many years but the meth quality fell with all the new regulations on Sudafed, and it was all garbage that came from Mexico. That is how I found heroin, the heroin quality was amazing while the meth quality sucked.

At the time, I could cheat the system. I was on methadone (as well as still using street drugs), and the test they used at the outpatient place wasn’t able to break down opioids. So when I would test positive for opioids I blamed it on the methadone.

I used IV drugs for a total of 16 years. I have no veins left, 16 years of poking, minus 2 years for the babies, really messed up my body. The fact I can still find a vein after a few hours of poking is beyond a miracle. Here is just one of my legs before I covered the scars with a tattoo. This first picture is about 7+ months of not using in them. Those aren’t bruises those are permanent tracks. My skin turns blue when poked a lot, I have blue lines down both my arms that are about 12 years old.

In 2012, I ended up getting caught shoplifting and because I was on methadone the judge ordered me to do 10 days broken up into every weekend. I put Trazadone in my vagina so that I could actually sleep because overnight with no heroin was going to kill me. Would you believe that someone actually snitched on me?? Some jealous DUI snake witch told the guards I had something to sleep. She almost killed me…..

I was taken inside because of the pill, even though it was non-narcotic, and that’s where I held on to my life by a thread.

I vomited and shitted for days on end, I was writhing, weak and so sick, it was unimaginable. I was in an upstairs room but fell down the stairs because I was so dizzy. So they moved me downstairs, in a room, with my big black guardian angel Marilyn. She saved my life, or I would not be here today writing this.

My body started to lock up, I didn’t know at the time, but the pins and needle feeling and charlie horses all over your body was kidney failure.

Finally, she told them I was gonna die and she didn’t want to wake up to me dead. They came in and this is where I am surprised, but they called an ambulance. When I got to the hospital, I had complete kidney failure and spent the last 5 days of my sentence in the hospital.

Once again, I know I say it a lot, yes, if you kick opioids unattended, or without medical intervention, you can die. No food OR water for 7-10 days, you can’t live like that, how they say you can’t die when people do all the time is beyond me.


I had no underlying medical conditions, but when you puke a gallon of green slime and if you sip water you puke another gallon of green slime, eventually you will die.

Any-who, back to the story.

As soon as I was released from jail, it was back to heroin.

In 2016, I finally got off methadone for 5 weeks and jumped back on to heroin. The program for getting off heroin is a lot shorter and cheaper than the get off methadone program. Though, they don’t tell you 5 weeks off methadone is not enough time.

I saved $7500, and went to an accelerated detox program, not the same as ultra rapid detox. They take a 7-10 day withdrawal and make it 3 days while they have you sedated. You leave clean, but you still leave sick as hell.

I kicked for 2 months, absolute hell on Earth after I left the program. I also had the naltrexone implant sewn into me, so not sure if that made things worse, but I certainly felt a lot better once it dissolved at around 80 days.

I broke a mirror and sat there contemplating cutting the implant out of me. That is the reason they don’t do it anymore, too many people cutting them out.

The first 2 weeks after I got out of the program were horrific. The pain was so bad, I went to the hospital almost daily. I thought I was dying, and I was. My potassium and kidney function were awful. The only way I could escape the horrific bone breaking body aches was being knocked out with some kind of benzo.

So, then I got myself addicted to Xanax. I was taking so much I had put some in a Pez Dispenser. I wouldn’t remember taking it, so then I would take more, and I lost my mind on many occasions.

I ended up relapsing, but not doing that much. So, when I found out I was pregnant, I thought I could just quit. I tried, but I was just writhing in the bed and since I was pregnant and unable to sedate myself (sedatives worse than subutex), I got myself on a super low dose of subutex.

I had weaned myself down to taking .25 a day. My daughter was born, and tested negative for all drugs, because they can test back 5 months. None of the subutex got to her.

As soon as I finished breastfeeding, I had relapsed once again. I had 18 months clean and threw it all away, because no matter what they tell you sobriety never gets easier or better. The only thing that gets better is your way of handling it.

Once you have tasted pure relief and euphoria, it’s hard to just give it all up and never feel anything close to that again. Your brain wants to feel good, it tells you that you wanna feel good. It will always be an endless battle inside your mind.

Now, fast forward to 2020. It has been 8 years since I have had any sort of issue with the law. I ended up buying a house, buying myself a nice car, paying off another, saving and paying to get my boobs done, getting engaged, getting an associates degree with honors, and partial to my bachelors degree, all while on heroin….

Now, most people can’t tell you they did these kinds of things on heroin, but there are few out there that have similar stories of how sobriety has taken everything from them. Sobriety is rock bottom. Society pushes these ideals on all of us, but some of us just simply self-medicate.

Maybe, just maybe, some of us function better on heroin than off? No one has ever thought of that as an option in America, but if it wasn’t an option how come there are so many successful people on “Heroin-Assisted Treatment” in other countries that offer the program, when methadone and nothing else works for these people.

I saved money once again to send myself to the accelerated detox, $7500, plus some extra because I wouldn’t be able to work for months. I am at 32 days clean and I have never felt more awful in my entire life except since the last time I had 94 days sober.

Most doctors are ignorant of the subject of addiction. I searched the internet high and low and could not find anything on this subject.

>>>> If you are still sick after the supposed 7-10+ days of acute withdrawal and curious on the subject of acute withdrawal, secondary withdrawal, and PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) click my video/blog post on it, “”.

Click this link to check out my video for the supplements I use for secondary withdrawal, and PAWS.

That’s my story. I will add more details as I think of them, but since sobriety kills concentration and my ability to form thoughts, I will fix as I can.

If this even helps one person, I will be happy.



  1. Hi I’m also on the MAT program 3yrs in June went from 210 to 149 and I feel stuck!I care give for my bf of 6yrs so I’m really ready to he done soon but I can’t feel normal or solid enough to keep going down because I can’t stop to really ride it out I sweat constantly, and I’m either really tired or wide awake… I read this article and really consider may e there’s something more than symptoms from use, I honestly would love to see you speak at a meeting, I too live in phoenix… thank you for this …

  2. Thanks for sharing so much! It helps me understand more about it.

    • Thank you! I will be posting more and more as I go. I’m just all over the place sober. It’s hard not being calm and collected anymore.

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